Panic buying |Corona | Mentalhealth

Where I stand with this, let’s find out.

I have been ignoring this virus because it was not in the continent yet, life was good. Then bit by bit. A vacation here and there and boom! Corona happened.

Universities have shut down, many people are advised to work from home, gatherings of more than 100 is prohibited etc.

We must wash our hands and sanitize there are just so many rules to this, it’s frustrating. The hand sanitizers are finished in stores more frustration. How will sanitizer help me if someone coughs in my face? As for public transport users who have no other choice but to use public transport it’s really difficult.

Testing for the virus is also expensive and medical aids are refusing to be part of anything.

I’ve been ignoring this because I know myself when I stress I stress. I think about one thing and my mind is blocked because there is an issue. I usually want to jump off a building or something just to make it stop.

My walk from school today and the stores seemed very long. I wanted to cry in the middle of everything because I was overwhelmied. Every second minute the only word that I hear is corona.

I really need to cry if I want to be okay but I can’t, the tears are not coming out.

I’m going to have to self quarantine from social media as well because it’s affecting me more than the virus itself.

I felt like overdosing my antidepressants and maybe I won’t be as depressed but we all know what overdose does.

Little things affect me that’s why I try to laugh at everything because if not then I’ll just stress myself out. Laughing at things is my coping mechanism, I don’t know of any healthy ways.

I hope my immune system is stronger than my mind because I’ve given in. I really don’t have energy to fight anything anymore.

Not everyone will be open to accepting the “new” you.

And that’s okay….

Change is usually for the better. It helps us become the best version of ourselves.

As we’re becoming adults most of us are unlearning the unhealthy ways of living whether it’s physical, mental or spiritual. We are all trying to live a life that will make sense to us and that helps us heal from past traumatic events.

In the process there are people involved, close friends and family who know a different version of you. It won’t be easy for them to understand that you’re trying to change especially if you’ve never portrayed any signs of unhappiness before because you were trying to protect them, not realising that you were hurting yourself in the process.

It’s going to take time, don’t rush it, don’t rush cutting people off because they were toxic. Communicate your feelings first and if they still refuse to accommodate you then you’re more than welcome to free them from your personal space.

Let’s talk about those habits that you used to do but didn’t realise could cause you harm in future.

• Always pleasing people
• Always putting others first
• Always sacrificing your happiness for others
• Accepting anything that was offered to you because you were being kind.
• Unintentionally teaching people that they can mistreat you and get away with it.

It could’ve been like this because at that time it was your only way of survival or you were just a generally sweet person who was taken advantage of.

Now you’ve realised that your mental health can no longer take the emotional abuse and you have to set boundaries. It won’t be easy and it doesn’t have to be done in an unruly manner too because everything will just be confusing for everyone and that’ll defeat the whole purpose of finding yourself.

You cannot force your beliefs on others now because you believe it’s right, your right and my right may be two different things. But you can teach them about your boundaries by enforcing them when the situation arises.

Don’t examine your beliefs based on how true or false they are examine them based on how helpful or unhelpful they are.

Life’s too short to be limited by unhelpful beliefs.

If it’s causing you harm then change it the people who actually care for you will respect the new you and your boundaries and relationships won’t necessarily have to end if everyone is willing to put in the work.

Put yourself first

Hello, it’s been a while I’m feeling sick I have a fever of some sort. 🤒

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I was taught to hold on to pain because it will soon pass and there is always a reward after pain. This doctrine was instilled while I was young. So I grew up believing that pain is good and that the more you suffer the greater the reward.

Looking back I realise I tolerated a lot of unfair treatment because it was going to benefit me in the future, so I was told. What makes me think about this more are my cousins, ever since my healing process I stopped being a saviour and a people pleaser. If dishes need to be washed and no one volunteers then I guess we’ll have to go to bed with dirty dishes, although I wash them in the morning I can’t stand a dirty place. If no one wants to cook then we’ll go to bed hungry.

It seems petty because I’m not used to behaving in such a way, when things fall apart I usually try to put things pieces together, but the well that I was drawing from became dry. There was no more compassion left no more mercy left to give. I was left empty.

Now what I was taught was to tolerate pain because it will bring blessings in the future. I was not taught how to take care of myself in the process, to take a break if I needed one. I was taught that suffering was good and that’s that.

Nothing good came out of anything, I’m now trying to heal from my past, set boundaries and put myself first.

“Pain changes you” someone said but again I don’t believe that each and every person needs to suffer in order to gain something good out of it. Some have gained good things from their pain but I personally did not have to go through some of the things I went through it was just unnecessary.

I took a break from life in general, work, school, social life I just needed an introspection and allow myself to feel the pain I’ve been hiding for so long. I need to find myself and learn about who I truly am without any outside influences. I was busy keeping up with the world I forgot to keep up with myself.

These holidays will be different because I will be putting myself first. I will consider my feelings first and only do something if it feels right.

Excuse any grammatical mistakes or glaring typos my head is not in a good space. 🤕

Gratitude Journal || #2

I’m grateful for my illness I was able to turn a negative state into a positive situation was not easy but it was worth it.

I’m grateful for giving myself a second chance to this thing called life, I treat it as my reincarnation.

I’m grateful that I had the privilege to afford therapy and get a different perspective of life because I was done done. I didn’t see the purpose of living after so many failures.

I’m grateful for my friend who’s been supportive till this day.

I’m grateful to still have a parent who still supports me financially while I’m struggling to find a job.

I’m grateful for my health even though it’s not a 100% I can still lead a normal life.

I’m grateful for all the lessons I learnt this year, it wasn’t the easiest year of my life but I survived.

I’m grateful for the knowledge and wisdom that I have at my age. I’ll forever be grateful for it.

I’m grateful for the negative situations and people around they’ve helped strengthen my resilience.

Lasty I’m grateful for the year 2019 I discovered my purpose I found what truly makes me happy.

Gratitude Journal || #1

Thank you to the mental health community.

Thank you to the WordPress team, followers and all bloggers.

Thank you for making me feel comfortable even though I don’t know what I’m writing most of the time.

Thank you for finding my blogs worth reading.

Thank you for your support.

Thank you for being patient with me as I grow in the bloggers world.

Thank you for being kind to me at all times.

Thank you for pressing that like button, it keeps me going even if it’s just one person.

Thank you to Ashley for supporting me since day one and remaining consistent in your engagement, it really means a lot to me. 💛

Thank you to Vee for being my spirit animal 😁 you should check her blog out, you’ll love it.

This blog means a lot to me because I wasn’t a writer I’ve been struggling since my high school days, never did well in my essays that I ended up hating creative writing as a whole. So when one person thinks my piece is good you have no idea how much it helps build my self-esteem.

Thank you so much. 💐💐

Commenting on other people’s weight. ||Quick rant

Don’t do it!

No one should be commenting on anyone else’s weight. I personally think weight is one of the major reasons that can cause a person to lose their self-confidence.

I’ve had people tell me about the nearest high-school in a certain area and how I’d love it there. “Ma’am I finished high school 5 years ago.”

I’m happy I look younger than I actually am but I don’t need to be constantly reminded.

Growing up I learned to get used body shaming jokes because of how small I was and therefore it meant I was apparently weak.

Body shaming hurts, fat or thin feelings do get hurt. You even start avoiding people because of comments like, “you’re so fat, what have you been eating” or “you lost so much weight are you sick?” In both instances what does it have to do with you?

Do you not think a person sees themselves in the mirror that they’re transforming? Do you not think that they notice a difference in the way their clothes fit?

A person losing or gaining weight whether it’s for health reasons or not it is not your space to always remind them, they know and sometimes a person is trying really hard to try and change. Overeating or starving themselves, going shopping and not finding clothes that fit, it’s a mess.

The worst thing is having to walk around with that body in public hoping that nobody says anything about your weight.

Dear Mom

I’ve been feeling down lately kinda like a relapse I’ve been in a dark space and I’m trying by all means to cheer myself up but at night when I’m alone these thoughts come tumbling down.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot you’re really trying to be there for me in your best possible way you’re handling this all alone and I can see the exhaustion in your eyes. Sometimes I think you’re better off without me because I’m adding another load on your shoulders. I’m your only child you’ve lost so many people in your life and I don’t want to add to that number.

I never tell you this but I really love you, we may not have the best mother and daughter relationship but you gave birth to me and that’s what makes us inseparable. We only have each other, I shed a tear everytime I think of how much I’ve disappointed you. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to, I couldn’t help it myself.

You’re not very expressive when you’re hurt but I see by change of actions that something hurt you, you try to be tough but in the end you are human and you have feelings and you get hurt too.

I hope one day we find a common ground a place where we can be vulnerable to each other and show emotion to one another.

I don’t have much to give you so I’ll just give you my love because that’s all I can offer at this point and that’s one thing you haven’t been able to purchase. You are very independent and if you want to buy something you buy it even if it just sits there but my love you can have it for free put it in your room where you store your things whenever you enter the room just know that my love is right there with you.

I love you Mom ❤️

Respect other people’s decisions.

#mentalhealth #blogging

Basically the title says it all, respect other people’s decisions have due regards for the feelings, wishes or rights of others.

You don’t have to like what the other person decides you don’t have to believe if what they are doing is the right thing you can maybe add your opinion if they ask for it but don’t disrespect their decisions simply because you don’t agree with them.

I’ve had the worst experience of trying to get people to respect my decision of not drinking. I don’t know how many justifications I’ve tried to voice out just so that I’m not forced to drink. I personally just don’t drink it has nothing to do with my health my beliefs or values or how I was raised and all the many other reasons. I just don’t drink, I don’t like alcohol it tastes horrible I don’t enjoy the taste and the smell that’s it.

I also don’t go around calling people who drink names I have no right it’s a decision a person decided to take and I fully respect it. We can both go out you’ll have your drink I’ll have mine we move.

Now what I don’t like is how people who drink alcohol force other people to drink. As a teenager it was difficult because peer pressure was a lot and the risk of not being liked in high school and all the other horrible things teenagers do to those who don’t want to follow the crowd I wasn’t very vocal about it.

It was only when I reached maybe 21 or so when I actually found out that there are people my age who go out on a regular basis and have never touched alcohol and their friends were actually okay with it they didn’t mind at all. So why were my friends against this when you actually get people who don’t mind?

I stood to my decision I do not drink and if you don’t like it I’ll kindly distance myself from you.

People have the capability to respect your decisions they just don’t want to or are trying to test how firm you are with your decision. It needs more than a just backbone to stand by your case you need to be firm and confident in what you believe in whether the majority agrees or not.

The last time I was taken seriously I’d had enough, listen everyone who knows me knows very well that I Do Not Drink.

So last year at a wedding, I was offered a glass took one sip then left the whole thing because it wasn’t working out. Later that night a glass was properly mixed for me I was watching the whole process a big glass of alcohol was placed in front of me to drink. I stood up took the glass and poured the whole thing on the floor and put the empty cup back on the table because clearly there was too much alcohol to be consumed that I was even offered a glass by someone who knows very well that I don’t drink alcohol.

No one offered me alcohol ever since that day. 😊

This isn’t just about alcohol I was just using my story as a reference.

Respect a person’s religion, choice of clothes, food, hairstyle, lifestyle, leaving a job, dropping out school, leaving a relationship, staying in a relationship, giving up a child for adoption, keeping a child, having an abortion and many other things that people choose to do.

All I’m saying is if you respect a person’s decision wrong or right they won’t resent you because they will know that you had their best interests at heart, if anything you will be one of the first people they confide in if something happens.

A love language || Words of Affirmations

Things would only get better if you just hold my hand.

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Yesterday’s with my therapist confirmed what I’ve always known, my love language is expressed through words of affirmations.

We talked about what I’d like to improve or what I want to get out of the sessions we’ve had, seen that I’ve really really made a progress and therapy might no longer be necessary.

He made me realise that I give people power over myself because their words mean a lot to me, I never forget what someone said to me, good or bad, and I usually use those words to identify who I am. Words help me go forward or keep me stagnant, they’re like fuel for my energy, I need a positive word here and there to keep going.

When the person(my grandfather) who used to affirm me passed away, my world started to slowly collapse. I didn’t see it coming because it happened very slowly, I only realised later when I noticed how damaged I’ve been emotionally since his passing.

With no one to affirm me, I did not see the point of anything that I was doing, even if it was for my own good. I stopped celebrating my achievements.

Through therapy I was made to realise that I have to affirm myself because I won’t always be around people who always have good affirmations for me. I need to tell my self that I can do this and I am doing great.

I’ve been doing that often and I feel great, every morning I post something on Instagram it sets the tone of my day and has really helped improve my mood.

I am beautiful, I am capable of being loved, I am worthy and I can achieve anything that I set my mind to.

Pushing people away ||

#mentalhealth #depression

I’ve never been able to keep up with friends, and not that we fight or anything bad, I just stop communicating and just like that the friendship ends. I’m afraid of attachment because I literally have separation anxiety.

I’ve lost people whom I dearly loved therefore anyone I meet I keep at a safe distance so that should they decide to leave I won’t feel much pain.

I have a friend that I still keep in touch with, she also understands my mental health situation and is very supportive but she’s far. I’ve met great people online but sometimes you want to see the person you’re talking to.

My therapist told me to try to reach out to my friends since I pushed them away and explain everything, true friends will know what to do. I also changed my number and lost most of my contacts but there’s social media, but damm. 🙁

I hope I truly heal from this.
#mentalhealth