Anxiety 101!

This week has been an anxious week for me.

I’m due to see my psychologist and we will be speaking about one topic I’ve been avoiding since the beginning of our session. He postponed the topic because he saw I was not ready to speak about it.

I’m still not ready to speak about it, I mean I’ve buried this pain for seven years. It obviously made me sick and it has to be done.

I postponed my appointment with my doctor last week, I’m so nervous. It’s been so long since man, I assumed I healed but I was just numbing the pain by avoiding it.

If I want to move on with my life this chapter has to be dealt with, it’s important for my health and future.

But the anxiety 😣😣

23 August 2012

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Not for sensitive viewers

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Tucked into bed as usual, to be able to get ready for school the next day.

Everything was okay, it seemed like everything was okay.

Shouted my name several times, I couldn’t hear, my room was far. Shouted the caregivers’ name she was fast asleep. Later as per schedule she woke up to turn you, you had been silent for too long.

Suddenly you felt light, with no aches on your legs, everything was effortless. She turned you back again, your legs became loose, you were flexible. Way too flexible, we did not know you like that.

She turned on the lights, and there you were, eyes wide open, without a single blink. She went to my room, shouting, waking me up, at 2.a.m, that had never happened before. Ever

When I entered the room I knew, I was in denial but I knew. I had prayed for your healing before I went to bed. I saw you happy and walking to a safe place. You hadn’t walked on your own for almost four years. I was happy to see you walk, but I wanted you to walk here with me.

I was only 16 I had known you as my father, although you were my grandfather. I was at peace knowing that you are at a safe place, but I was sad that place was not here with me.

You appeared in my dreams several times, I received some closure. You have always been with me in spirit, you never left my side.

Every year, I always remember, I always remember how it felt like, the wound is still as new. Ever year on this date I remember how you called my name. You called my name and I did not hear. I always wonder if I came, what were you going to say? What would have been your last message to me? But I also find peace that among all your children and grandchildren, before your final breath, you uttered my name one last time.

You remembered me even when you were heading to paradise.

I Love You

When was the last time you heard these amazing words? A genuine heartfelt “I Love You”.

How soothing are those words to the soul. Especially when they come from someone you value. How calming it is to hear the words “I Love You”.

Not because you did something they like. Not because you are in their good books. Not because you have never wronged them. Not because you break yourself everyday to make them happy. Not because you try too hard to please them. They just genuinely love you regardless.

They love you your aura, your ability to get up when you fall. The emotions you show when you are not coping, they admire your courage when you utter the words, “I need help”. They admire your never giving up spirit, how when you can’t carry on no more you take a break, change perspective, and come back stronger. Your fierce personality, even at your lowest you are still standing. They admire your strength, your capabilities. They love you for who you are.

Not who they want you to be. Not who they want you to look like. They don’t compare you to anyone. They love you for what you can handle and where your strength lies.

They just love you because you are you. You were formed, became a being. You are here today and they love you, just for that, for being you.

You are loved.

Please help!

Ever since my official depression diagnosis, I’ve been curious so I did some research. I discovered relatable information that I want to share and I also wanted to understand the illness so that I can be able to cope and heal in the long run.

I want to raise awareness in different divisions of life but I mainly want to focus at schools. I also want to participate in events that raise mental health awareness, but I have questions which I particularly don’t know who to address them to.

  • Do I need the necessary qualifications to raise mental health awareness, even though I’m doing research by reading books, articles and Internet?
  • Do I need necessary qualifications to be a mental health advocate?
  • Any suggestions on finding a mentor? I really need one

Side note. I studied Accounting