Studying online. Not by choice.

Everything is just a mess.

There’s so many things to submit and a new email every second day on an assignment of some kind.

Not everyone has proper Internet access, or a study friendly home. It’s really a lot to deal with especially if you are not a person who’s able to teach themselves.

My fragile head is always experiencing pain after I study and I swear, I am not stressed at all. There is literally nothing on my mind besides trying to keep warm.

Because of this I’ve decided to dedicate 2 hours of my day to school work. That way the headaches are minimal. After all this I probably need to go for a scan or something.

I’d really love to go on my solo dates, or something. I just want to do an activity that is outside the yard. I’m always indoors but it must be a freewill.

It’s at a point where it feels like house arrest.

One would think since everyone is at home, blogging would be quite often. But now, all I do is eat, clean, sleep, bath, repeat.

Lock down

Feeling depressed during this isolation period.

Not used to being indoors all day every day?

Remember there’s still house party where you can catch up with your friends.

I’m very depressed though, I’m at rock bottom. The number of deaths is shocking and it’s just increasing.

Please take care of yourselves. ❀️

Panic buying |Corona | Mentalhealth

Where I stand with this, let’s find out.

I have been ignoring this virus because it was not in the continent yet, life was good. Then bit by bit. A vacation here and there and boom! Corona happened.

Universities have shut down, many people are advised to work from home, gatherings of more than 100 is prohibited etc.

We must wash our hands and sanitize there are just so many rules to this, it’s frustrating. The hand sanitizers are finished in stores more frustration. How will sanitizer help me if someone coughs in my face? As for public transport users who have no other choice but to use public transport it’s really difficult.

Testing for the virus is also expensive and medical aids are refusing to be part of anything.

I’ve been ignoring this because I know myself when I stress I stress. I think about one thing and my mind is blocked because there is an issue. I usually want to jump off a building or something just to make it stop.

My walk from school today and the stores seemed very long. I wanted to cry in the middle of everything because I was overwhelmied. Every second minute the only word that I hear is corona.

I really need to cry if I want to be okay but I can’t, the tears are not coming out.

I’m going to have to self quarantine from social media as well because it’s affecting me more than the virus itself.

I felt like overdosing my antidepressants and maybe I won’t be as depressed but we all know what overdose does.

Little things affect me that’s why I try to laugh at everything because if not then I’ll just stress myself out. Laughing at things is my coping mechanism, I don’t know of any healthy ways.

I hope my immune system is stronger than my mind because I’ve given in. I really don’t have energy to fight anything anymore.

Life Update | Target reached πŸŽ‰

A lot has been happening and nothing has happened at the same time.

Beginning of the year I was not motivated to do anything at all. I did not set goals because they never happen so I’ve been going with the flow.

Whatever happens happens.

I started with my chef journey 😊 it doesn’t seem easy but it’s what I want, the rest I will see when I’m inside. Also my career now requires me to have a social media presence of some sort. I’d kinda neglected my Instagram account, I actually outgrew it but for the sake of things I have to keep it running. My twitter account is running but it’s a mess there and I do not want to mix business with pleasure.

I moved into my new place it’s very cosy and cute. The lighting is to die for. It’s my first time living in my own apartment so I’m really excited. Except for the rent part.

Last night I managed to design my brand so that I can operate as a brand and an individual. I am happy to be starting something and be able to call it mine. Choose_you1st is now a brand I’ll explain the rest in another blog post.

I’m still fighting spiritual warfare, and due to the hope lost I only manage to pray in my dreams because things tend to become really serious there.

I had a target this year that if I don’t reach 50 followers then I’m deleting the blog. Well I reached the target so we continue, hopefully I’m consistent again I was really not feeling this blog thing anymore, it didn’t seem worth it. I also don’t want a big number of followers because it becomes overwhelming 3 is literally a crowd for me when it comes to comments. I have to control my panic attacks when I’m replying, it doesn’t even make sense.

So far the year is going well and I don’t want to jinx things because life always comes at me very fast. But I’m content with everything that’s happening around me and with me so far.

Thank you for stopping by, may everything go well for you. 😊

Weird Dreams

Before this I used to get dreams that scare me and want to consult a medium all the time, but I never did. The last shaky dream I had I was told in the dream what to do when I woke up. I did it first thing in the morning and the dreams stopped.

Now I dream ridiculous dreams where to go to the shop I have to go through a pool. But because there are people practicing you have to walk on the bridge so that you don’t disturb. The sideway only opens after training and there’s a meeting held inside the pool. For absolutely no reason at all.

And there’s a local shopping centre that I but when I get there it’s the Times Square in New York. I’m in South Africa 😒

I blog this because I’m always dreaming about deep things and visions and all those creepy things that scare me. So now that I’m about dreaming being a human and turned into an alien through a spell it’s a different experience but I’d rather have that than being told someone is dying and they wake up sick or something. 😒

There’s obviously a lot going on in my head.

Free yourself || Don’t mind society

I hid my personality so much my feelings were no longer taken into consideration.

I grew up in one of the “most” respected families in town where you were given twice the respect if you were an offspring of the family.

It was a generation of Pastors, Deacons, School Principal’s and so on. You could not visit and leave without having anything to eat, regardless of sacrifices that had to be made. For that reason it appeared as though it was very wealthy family and was able to provide for their children and the community as a whole.

It meant as a child I had a reputation to maintain together with the rest of my cousins. At church I had to participate, at school I had to perform well and in life I had to make it, regardless of anything.

I appeared to be “smart” because of certain decisions and choices I made. “Don’t let the big city change you, beware of people you make friends with, stay away from boys.” and all those stories. Since I hung out with smart kids I also had to perform at my level best to avoid being a disgrace to the squad. Because the whole crew was” smart” bunking classes to play pool or hanging at the piazza or going out for lunch during lecture times seemed more interesting. We managed to pass with distinctions even but please don’t try this at home. πŸ˜…

I was slowly becoming out of touch with myself , and that doesn’t necessarily mean drinking and partying and living my best life in university. No, I lost myself in a way that I could not make decisions based on my feelings, I needed validation from someone else even though I knew what I wanted. I depended on other people for happiness, if I was not validated for something then I would feel like a worthless. I became so timid that I let anyone and everyone from anywhere tell me what would be the “right” path for my future and adjusted according to what was said at the time.

Timid was what I could identify myself with I was shy yes but I was timid. I would see something that would work for the better but choose to keep quiet, especially if it was about my own life. I had dreams but I felt better living other people’s dreams because at least I “know” what the end results will be. Comfort zone seems to be the best way to go especially if you haven’t seen the bigger picture. “Rather safe than sorry.” I was afraid to spread my wings, I was literally a people pleaser.

Today I am my own person and I am responsible for the decisions I make. It is up to me to see that the choices I make take me closer to where I need to be. Things won’t always go as planned but it will give me enough satisfaction to know that at the time it was the only thing I wanted and if it didn’t work out it was for the better and at least I would have tried. ❀️

Closing of 2019

This was the most confusing year, I barely remember what happened during the first half of the year because I wasn’t myself. I remember waking up everyday and wanting to die, finding less painful ways to die was my life. Dying was my top priority during the first half of the year.

Six months later I booked myself into a wellness clinic because my last day on earth seemed close, way too close. I could see that mentally I’m no longer here it’s just my body that’s still functioning, barely even.

Before I booked myself I spent the whole day sleeping only woke up to bath cook and clean. I was less social and stopped being in contact, basically cut everyone off so they don’t get hurt, should I die.

Since I’d never been to a psychologist before, my plan was to try therapy and if it doesn’t work then on the 30th of November I’m calling it quits. Well it worked because I’m still here on the 31st of December.

It was a big adjustment for me and my family. Changing routines, making life more bearable for me, staying home to heal and finding myself. It was both challenging and rewarding. I enjoyed working on myself but I felt like I wasn’t achieving anything since I just stayed at home and all.

I started a blog as something to keep me busy and let me just say I was happy to find out that I’m not the only one. I was also open on twitter and I actually found out that actually almost half of the world is going or has been in the same boat as I was. What a relief!

Material wise I did not achieve anything but I found myself, I discovered my hidden talents, found out what truly makes me happy and pursued it. I’m grateful for this year because all that I learnt I can cross over to the next year. I don’t have a New year’s resolution but I have the keys to help me make my dreams come true. I don’t know what 2020 holds for me, I’m excited and nervous at the same time, but I’m glad I’m not the same person anymore.

Well wishes for the new year, thank you for my followers you make me believe that it’s possible if I just put work and my heart to it. ❀️

Happy New Year πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰β€οΈ

Creative block

I almost forgot it’s Monday.

Not necessarily having a creative block but I’m having it. I know what to blog about but I’m not feeling it as well.

Enjoy your Christmas and stay away from people who drain your energy during this time making you hate Christmas. Be around people who appreciate you and not tolerate you.

Protect your peace at all costs.

If someone hasn’t told you today, I love you and you deserve every nice thing in life, take care of yourself. πŸ’•