Checkup ||Review

#mentalhealth #depression

My session today was hectic, even my psychologist had to hold back his tears. A whole guy.

You know those sessions you can’t wait to get the end and you just keep on checking the time because wow, yeah.

I had settled it with my mind that today is my last session for the year because I’m personally tired, looks like the journey just began.

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Raised on survival mode ||

#mentalhealth

I’m writing this again because the first one disappeared.

I’m sure we’ve let Google diagnose us once in a while then it tells us we have 4 days to live, I know I’m guilty of doing such.

This time it actually made sense, everything that was described there was my life in a nutshell. I felt like a pirate that’s been looking for treasure but in my case I found the treasure.

Few symptoms of survival mode were:

°Feeling guilty when you stand up for yourself

°Fear of being abandoned

°People pleaser

°Feel super responsible for others

These were the ones that talked to me most. I have been doing this all my life because I wanted to be accepted and treated well, not knowing it would cause burnout in future. Love was displayed in a form of money to me. My emotional, physical, mental and spiritual well-being was not so important, besides I was a kid what did I know about emotions and all the heavy feelings.

There’s a bit of a quarrel in my family and each parent is fighting for their children. Gladly I’m not involved but it also got me thinking:

Had I been a victim I would have had to stand on my own or not fight at all because it would seem disrespectful, but there also wouldn’t have been anyone to stand up for me even if I was right.

I’ve been a people pleaser because that’s the only way I thought I’d be tolerated or liked, there is nothing bad that my family has to say about me, I did everything to gain their trust and prove I’m worthy of being loved, I listened and obeyed every instruction even if I did not agree.

I fear going home now because I believe that I’m a different person, this therapy and medication was not in vain but I also want to go about it in a respectful manner. In my head I believe I’m no longer a pushover, but it hasn’t been really put to the test.

I was thinking of avoiding my family for maybe 3 years until I truly believe I’m stable but they’re controlling and I still have that fear.

I realised there is a huge difference between people raised on love and those raised on survival mode. Our stress tolerance is longer but dangerous because we’ve learnt not to react to everything, the surviving party.

I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s abuse because by being a people pleaser some form of abuse was being avoided I think, I just wonder had I not been a people pleaser how would have things turned out.

Forgiveness||You owe it to yourself

Deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness

It is difficult to forgive especially if the person who caused you harm hasn’t asked for forgiveness.

I don’t believe in forgive and forget, I can forgive but I’ll never forget and it’s not that I’m holding a grudge, I’m just keeping a safe distance.

If I want to heal completely I’ll have to forgive a lot of people, myself included. I need to understand that everyone including myself did what seemed fit at that moment. I blamed myself for so long and blamed everyone around  me for how I turned out, I actually blamed everyone for my illness. I was ready to attack each person that I feel wronged me, because in my head they contributed to my depression.

One thing that I struggle with is arguing or trying to raise a point without crying, I cry when I’m angry and sad and happy, I just cry. I have so much to say but my tears are always in the forefront.

I’ve been filled with so much anger this past week I could barely function, I just felt like the world is a cruel place filled with horrible people. I couldn’t get any work done nor read any book, everything seemed pointless, at a point deleting this blog felt like the best decision to do.

My depression also creeped in, I didn’t want to take medication because what’s the point if I’m still feeling down. Actually  I felt much worse, which made me fear of what will happen when I have to leave medication, I hope my withdrawal symptoms are not hectic, I hope I don’t have any withdrawal symptoms at all.

I realised that the people I’m angry at are not even thinking about me. Their lives are carrying on whether I live or not, they will still continue to go to work and live their best lives with or without me. So why am I allowing them to control my life so much, why am I giving them so much authority over my mental well-being?

For my peace sake I will forgive everyone who is living rent free in my head. I will forgive every person I put in charge of my happiness.
I will forgive myself for making my own happiness the responsibility of other people.

I will forgive but not forget.

Petty things that annoy me.

Lending my charger.

Touching other people’s feet.

Going through my make-up bag

Dirty laundry

Messy rooms

Not washing hands after using the bathroom

Not rinsing dishes, vegetables and fruits before you use them

Rude people

If you don’t wish me a happy birthday you’re never getting a wish from me

Not wiping the stove or washing dishes as you cook, the cooking station must always be neat

Left social media and went to blogging|| Best decision ever!

Instagram, Twitter, Facebook that was me every single day.

Instagram I followed people who inspired me and fashion bloggers, some beauty and food here and there, house decor too interior design type of situation. I also followed baby accounts if they were posting cute stuff, they are so adorable. I started to feel like my time wasn’t coming, when will I be able to afford all those nice things. I’m also human. I deactivated it.

Twitter was basically my escape place. All my suicidal notes were packed in my likes folder because I assumed no one ever checks other people’s likes, so everytime I went online I’d read my likes and and search for other suicidal quotes to like and people who were tweeting sad tweets. My crew on twitter was the depressed. I felt better following such accounts because I felt like someone relates. I noticed this is toxic actually, 4 years later I deactivated.

Facebook, stalking childhood friends and family. People I haven’t seen in a long time to see how successful they’ve become and I’ve accomplished nothing. Facebook depressed me. I deactivated it.

I used to think social media won’t influence me, I told my self I got this I can handle everyone’s success and if anything I’m very happy for them. I genuinely am happy for them.

But I started questioning my time. When will it be my time to bloom? when will I reach my break through? Why am I not popping?

After my social media deactivation I became bored because what now? What do I do with all this free time?

I searched for ways to start a blog, discovered WordPress, started reading books and watched inspirational videos on YouTube. I found awesome people on YouTube, and learnt so much in a space of a month, started journaling too.

Look if anyone knows me they know that me, books, writing and all that academia works we don’t mix.

But I’ve been enjoying reading, if I don’t understand a word I search for it, see how else it can be incorporated in a sentence, I’ve finished reading ten books I have 15 books waiting for me on my shelf. And more to discover…

It was the way I was learning that demotivated me, made me believe I’m stupid and can never be smart. I know I’m smart but I needed proper knowledge in order to make valid points and arguments. My knowledge has expanded in this past month and I’m looking forward to learning more everyday.

I learnt to be present in my life now, accept my situation and work on making it better instead of avoiding it by going on social media whenever I’m faced with a problem.